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F.P. Releases 2014 Cosmic Report Card

By Fresh Produce

SIOUX FALLS, SD—January 6, 2015—Sioux Falls ad agency Fresh Produce has released its 2014 Cosmic Report Card, following a review of new and ongoing business in conjunction with notes provided by a local psychic medium named Donna.

The Fresh Produce team visited Donna at her home office in late October, where she provided a group reading and general mystic and psychic advice. The session was conducted using a variety of psychic tools, including tarot cards, coffee grounds reading, and general psychic awareness of the other side. Donna told the crew to consider her notes from the session a cosmic report card.

“A lot of agencies don’t take much stock in things like psychic readings or cosmic report cards.”

“A lot of the content of the report card didn’t make sense at the time,” said Fresh Produce writer Brian Bieber. “But in retrospect, some of the things she wrote down kind of line up with what’s been going on around the office. Especially the stuff she saw in the coffee grounds.”

During the session, Donna pointed out the shape of a teddy bear in the grounds, and drew a sketch of it on the report card. When asked if anyone at the table currently or previously had an attachment to an object like a teddy bear, no one replied. However, shortly after the session creative director Ted Heeren remembered that his wife once told him that she had a teddy bear or something as a child.

Likewise, when Donna described a vision of a woman shaking hands with a lion, noting “a sweet deal [is] coming,” no one knew how to respond. But only a month later, Fresh Produce media strategist and woman Katrina Lehr-McKinney fielded a call from Index Fresh, a national avocado distributor based in southern California… where we’re pretty sure mountain lions live.

“When Donna described a vision of a woman shaking hands with a lion, no one knew how to respond.”

When Fresh Produce won Index Fresh’s business in late December, everyone on the team had to agree that it was a pretty “sweet deal,” because even though avocados aren’t really sweet, they’re still a fruit.

Also, Katrina sometimes goes by “Kat,” and lions are cats. So there’s that.

“Some of the things she wrote down kind of line up with what’s been going on. Especially the stuff she saw in the coffee grounds.”

“A lot of agencies don’t take much stock in things like psychic readings or cosmic report cards or leaving offerings of food on the same tree stump in the graveyard out on Spook Road every year,” said Bieber. “But our team does. And so far, it’s working out pretty well for us.”

A detailed breakdown of the 2014 Fresh Produce Cosmic Report Card follows.


Cosmic Report Card Detail 1.

“A sweet [avocado?] deal coming” & “woman [Katrina Lehr-McKinney?]”

Cosmic Report Card Detail 2.

“Be patient – It’s not like he has Ebola!!”

Donna asked if anyone knew anyone who left used tissues lying around. Some of us said that we did. Donna said the person she was receiving the information from on the other side said to be patient about it, as “it’s not like he has Ebola!!” which seemed like a pretty edgy joke for a spirit to make in October 2014.

Cosmic Report Card Detail 3.

“fried eggs & potatoes”

Donna said she could smell fried eggs and potatoes, and it was giving her acid reflux, spiritually. Later she looked at Kyle and John and said she smelled peanut butter, and asked which of them had eaten peanut butter recently. Kyle said he was at a friend’s house the night before, and that friend had made french toast with peanut butter earlier in the day. “That’s it,” said Donna.


Cosmic Report Card Detail 4.

“Janice – angel’s name”

Everyone has a guardian angel. Donna says Ted’s is named Janice.

Cosmic Report Card Detail 5.

“Shoulder – Blue coats/lost your arm”

Donna asked if anyone has arm or shoulder problems. Brian said his shoulder was sore, but it might have been from sleeping on it weird. Donna said that the reason Brian’s shoulder was sore was because in a previous life he lost his arm fighting in the Civil War, for the blue coats. Donna asked if anyone knew which side the blue coats were fighting for. Mike said the blue coats fought for the North. Donna said that the reason Mike knew that was because in a previous life he was right there fighting alongside Brian in the Civil War. Later, Brian and Mike wondered whether that meant that everyone else who remembered 5th grade History were also members of their regiment.

Cosmic Report Card Detail 6.

“Be careful – it could be a klunker”

Donna cautioned any member of the crew thinking about buying a car to be careful, because “it could be a klunker.” Ted thinks this might be regarding the used VW bus he and Liz have had their eye on.

Cosmic Report Card Detail 7.

“Pom Pom”

Donna discerned the shape of a cheerleader in the coffee grounds, and asked if anyone in the crew used to be a cheerleader. Brian pointed out that Cami was currently wearing her high school cheerleading sweater as part of her Halloween costume. Donna said that that was irrelevant to what she saw in the grounds, because she hadn’t even noticed Cami was wearing a cheerleading sweater until Brian pointed it out. Before anyone could respond, we heard a rustling sound coming from the entryway. Donna told everyone not to be scared, but that we were hearing Dr. Johnson, the ghost of a doctor who used to live in her house. Then she saw the mailman through the front window, and said nevermind, it was just the mailman, but that she does hear Dr. Johnson walking around the house quite often.